Friday, March 28, 2008
Tourists Said This . . .
"England? Can you get there by train?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.
"England? That's in London, isn't it?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.
"England? That's near Paris, the city of love!" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.
"So, you guys are from Ireland -- did you drive across?" -- Asked of two Irish women on a trip to Delaware.
"Do they have pianos in Ireland?" -- Asked of an Irish tourist in the United States.
"Do you jog around the island before breakfast?" -- Asked of an Irish tourist in the United States.
"You're from New Zealand, aren't you? That's just off the southeast corner of Canada, isn't it?" -- Asked of a New Zealander on a trip to Washington D.C.
"After moving here, how were you able to know what the speed limit was? Could you read our traffic signs?" -- Asked of a Canadian who moved to the United States.
"New Zealand is a state in Australia, right?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.
"How do you get around, since you don't have any cars?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.
"You don't have electricity there, do you?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.
"England? That's in London, isn't it?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.
"England? That's near Paris, the city of love!" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.
"So, you guys are from Ireland -- did you drive across?" -- Asked of two Irish women on a trip to Delaware.
"Do they have pianos in Ireland?" -- Asked of an Irish tourist in the United States.
"Do you jog around the island before breakfast?" -- Asked of an Irish tourist in the United States.
"You're from New Zealand, aren't you? That's just off the southeast corner of Canada, isn't it?" -- Asked of a New Zealander on a trip to Washington D.C.
"After moving here, how were you able to know what the speed limit was? Could you read our traffic signs?" -- Asked of a Canadian who moved to the United States.
"New Zealand is a state in Australia, right?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.
"How do you get around, since you don't have any cars?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.
"You don't have electricity there, do you?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Don't Be "Hood-Winked"
Be Careful! The enemy does the same thing - he tries to make us think he's somebody he's really not - don't be decieved.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
OOPS . . .
More actual quotations from church bulletins . . .
"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
"Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
"Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Remember . . . The Enemy Comes To Deceive
Enjoy this clip from "Surf's Up." Remember, just because the world seems to treat you like a king, doesn't mean you are one - enjoy!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Restaurant Signs
Actual sayings on signs located at restaurants . . .
"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.
"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.
"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.
"Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
"Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.
"You can't beat our meat!" -- A sign on a restaurant, now closed.
"Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.
"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.
"NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington.
"Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.
"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.
"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.
"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.
"Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
"Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.
"You can't beat our meat!" -- A sign on a restaurant, now closed.
"Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.
"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.
"NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington.
"Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Lawyer Quotations
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"
Fortune Cookies
Actual quotes from fortune cookies -
"You will find a bushel of money."
"Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good."
"You are going to have some new clothes."
"Your family is young, gifted and attractive."
"There is a true and sincere friendship between you both."
"The night life is for you."
"Face facts with dignity."
"You are magnetic in your bearing."
"You are free to invent your life."
"Good sense is the master of human life."
"Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"
I'm just glad I trust in HIM - for my today, my tomorrow, and definitely my fortune.
"You will find a bushel of money."
"Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good."
"You are going to have some new clothes."
"Your family is young, gifted and attractive."
"There is a true and sincere friendship between you both."
"The night life is for you."
"Face facts with dignity."
"You are magnetic in your bearing."
"You are free to invent your life."
"Good sense is the master of human life."
"Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"
I'm just glad I trust in HIM - for my today, my tomorrow, and definitely my fortune.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
A Third Grader Explains God
Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Car For Sale
Only 25 miles; only 1st gear and reverse used; never driven hard - make best offer - must pick up yourself.
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