Do you realize just how early Easter is this year?
Easter is always the1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20). This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar. Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare. Here's the interesting info. This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!).And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier!
Here's the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be this early (March 23 ) will be the year 2228 (220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (277 years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year!
(Thanks Jerry)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Cowboy In Church
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church." "I did," replied the old cowboy. "If you spoke to God, what did He tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
(Thanks Jerry)
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church." "I did," replied the old cowboy. "If you spoke to God, what did He tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
(Thanks Jerry)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Patient Charts
The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts . . .
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Kid Quotes
"I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old
"I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.
"Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones she asked for were too expensive.
"I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.
"There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.
"If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon.
"Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.
"Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father.
"How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom.
"They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut.
"Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.
"I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.
"Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.
"I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.
"Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones she asked for were too expensive.
"I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.
"There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.
"If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon.
"Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.
"Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father.
"How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom.
"They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut.
"Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.
"I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.
"Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Park Rangers
These Questions Were Actually Asked of Various Park Rangers At The Grand Canyon National Park . . .
"Was this man-made?"
"Do you light it up at night?"
"I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?"
"Is the mule train air conditioned?"
"So where are the faces of the presidents?"
"So is that Canada over there?"
"Was this man-made?"
"Do you light it up at night?"
"I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?"
"Is the mule train air conditioned?"
"So where are the faces of the presidents?"
"So is that Canada over there?"
Menus
Actual Menus At Restaurants . . .
"Ham and Cheese - $2.50.
Cheese and Ham - $2.90."
"Our whipped butter is made with margarine."
"7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings."
"We dare you Burger for two (Served on a Stretcher) - A Whole Loaf of Crunchy French Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped with melted Yellow American Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by a mound of French Fried Potatoes, Red Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your Table by Two Waitresses on a stretcher."
"Ham and Cheese - $2.50.
Cheese and Ham - $2.90."
"Our whipped butter is made with margarine."
"7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings."
"We dare you Burger for two (Served on a Stretcher) - A Whole Loaf of Crunchy French Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped with melted Yellow American Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by a mound of French Fried Potatoes, Red Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your Table by Two Waitresses on a stretcher."
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Church Bloopers
Appearing in actual church newsletters or bulletins . . .
"Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."
"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."
"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
"O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
"After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."
"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
"Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."
"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."
"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
"O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
"After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."
"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
Monday, February 18, 2008
And You Think You've Had A Bad Day
The following is an insurance form claim:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older.
10. I can't spare the time
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older.
10. I can't spare the time
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Ever Wonder . . .
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why if flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
(Thanks Andrea)
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why if flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
(Thanks Andrea)
Only In America . . .
Do drugstores make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and ---a diet coke.
Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
(Thanks Andrea)
Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and ---a diet coke.
Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
(Thanks Andrea)
Friday, February 8, 2008
You Know A Church Is In Trouble When . . .
-All the dedication plaques are dated in the 1950s.
-They still have a penny march in the sanctuary.
-Preserving the building is more important than reaching the neighborhood.
-Only the KingJames Version of the Bible is allowed on the premises.
-A piano is the only musical instrument used in worship.
-Halfway through the service the pastor asks if anyone wants to sing a special song.
-The same lady volunteers again.
-The pastor preached last Sunday's sermon again.
-No one in the congregation noticed.
-Announcements are longer than the altar service.
-They still have a penny march in the sanctuary.
-Preserving the building is more important than reaching the neighborhood.
-Only the KingJames Version of the Bible is allowed on the premises.
-A piano is the only musical instrument used in worship.
-Halfway through the service the pastor asks if anyone wants to sing a special song.
-The same lady volunteers again.
-The pastor preached last Sunday's sermon again.
-No one in the congregation noticed.
-Announcements are longer than the altar service.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
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