A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn around before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?”
Monday, December 29, 2008
God Will Save Me
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
There's A Knock At The Door
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20"on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20"on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Parents' Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Don't Shop Too Early
It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.
"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.
"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"
"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!
"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.
"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.
"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"
"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!
Behold I Was . . .
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
The Way To Heaven
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.
When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Which Service (thanks Jim Fink)
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The 6-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning, Alex.' 'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
I Was Drugged . . . (thanks Jim Fink)
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''
I replied:
I had a drug problem when I was young.
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
I replied:
I had a drug problem when I was young.
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Conditions of Entry
GROUCHO MARX SAID, 'I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.'
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
More Funny Things
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
'Warning: May cause drowsiness' .
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On Nobby's peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts' .
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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication' .
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On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating' .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Myer hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping'.
'Warning: May cause drowsiness' .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Nobby's peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts' .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication' .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating' .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Myer hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping'.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Murphy's Law
If Anything Can Go Wrong . . . Well . . .
* Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking around barefoot.
* The worst pupil in any class will be a school governor's son.
* Uniforms only come in two sizes, too large and too small.
* Vital documents that were posted with no errors, will develop errors in the mail.
* The other queue always moves faster.
* In order to get a bank loan, you must first prove that you don't need the money.
* The classic example of Murphy's law:
If you drop a piece of toast it always falls buttered side down.
* Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking around barefoot.
* The worst pupil in any class will be a school governor's son.
* Uniforms only come in two sizes, too large and too small.
* Vital documents that were posted with no errors, will develop errors in the mail.
* The other queue always moves faster.
* In order to get a bank loan, you must first prove that you don't need the money.
* The classic example of Murphy's law:
If you drop a piece of toast it always falls buttered side down.
Lesser Known Murphy Laws
# Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
# He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
# Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
# Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
# Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
# The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
# If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
# If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
# The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
# Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
# The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
# A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
# He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
# Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
# Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
# Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
# The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
# If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
# If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
# The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
# Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
# The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
# A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Questions Asked of Librarians
The following have all been asked of library reference desk workers across the world:
# "I'm looking for a book."
# "Do you have books here?"
# "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
# "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
# "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids." --
The actual title is "Slow Waltz In Cedar Bend."
# "Where is the reference desk?" -- Asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK'.
# "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
# "Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"
# "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
# "I need a color photograph of George Washington." -- Other individuals asked for, by other patrons, are Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more.
# "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
# "I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
# "Is the basement upstairs?"
# "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
# "I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"
# "Do you have anything good to read?" -- The response was, "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."
# "I'm looking for a book."
# "Do you have books here?"
# "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
# "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
# "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids." --
The actual title is "Slow Waltz In Cedar Bend."
# "Where is the reference desk?" -- Asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK'.
# "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
# "Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"
# "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
# "I need a color photograph of George Washington." -- Other individuals asked for, by other patrons, are Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more.
# "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
# "I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
# "Is the basement upstairs?"
# "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
# "I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"
# "Do you have anything good to read?" -- The response was, "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Car Accidents
Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.
# "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
# "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
# "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
# "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
# "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
# "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
# "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
# "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
# "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
# "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
# "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
# "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
# "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
# "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
# "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
# "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
# "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
# "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
# "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."
# "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
# "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
# "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
# "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
# "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
# "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
# "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
# "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
# "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
# "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
# "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
# "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
# "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
# "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
# "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
# "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
# "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
# "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
# "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
# "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
# "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
# "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
# "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
# "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
# "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
# "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
# "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
# "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
# "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
# "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
# "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
# "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."
# "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
# "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
# "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
# "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
# "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
# "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
# "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
# "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
# "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
# "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
# "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
# "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
# "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Words Without Thought
Look out . . . some people just don't know how to think before they speak. Enjoy!
MOVIE THEATERS
# "For The Lion King, you have shows at 11:45 and at 12:15. Does that mean it's a half-hour long?" -- Asked by a customer of a multiplex.
# "Can I still have a ticket? I'll find a seat." -- Asked by a customer after being told a particular showing of a movie was sold out.
VIDEO STORES
# "Do you sell butter dishes? Why not?" -- Asked by a customer.
# "Diapers! I need diapers!" -- Demanded by a customer, gesturing angrily and waving his arms around.
SHOPPING
# "I need blades for this." -- Woman, holding up a belt sander.
# "Do you carry blades that can go over rocks?" -- Woman, buying her third lawn mower blade in two weeks.
# "Do you have wheels?" -- Customer who, when questioned as to what type of wheels, replied, "You know! Wheels!"
TRANSPORTATION
# "What time does the 7 o'clock ferry leave?"
# "We might be late because of bad weather. If we are, would you hold the ship until we get there?" -- A man on the phone with a ferry service.
# "It depends. Are you coming from the north or south?" -- A man, when asked if one should turn east or west after getting off the freeway.
# "Horizon proudly donates a portion of the proceeds from our complimentary in-flight service to the preservation of Glacier National Park." -- A flight attendant, describing Horizon Airline's complimentary beverage and snack service.
# "Are you going by bus?" -- Asked by a bus driver, when asked to let a passenger know when they got to Masson Street.
MOVIE THEATERS
# "For The Lion King, you have shows at 11:45 and at 12:15. Does that mean it's a half-hour long?" -- Asked by a customer of a multiplex.
# "Can I still have a ticket? I'll find a seat." -- Asked by a customer after being told a particular showing of a movie was sold out.
VIDEO STORES
# "Do you sell butter dishes? Why not?" -- Asked by a customer.
# "Diapers! I need diapers!" -- Demanded by a customer, gesturing angrily and waving his arms around.
SHOPPING
# "I need blades for this." -- Woman, holding up a belt sander.
# "Do you carry blades that can go over rocks?" -- Woman, buying her third lawn mower blade in two weeks.
# "Do you have wheels?" -- Customer who, when questioned as to what type of wheels, replied, "You know! Wheels!"
TRANSPORTATION
# "What time does the 7 o'clock ferry leave?"
# "We might be late because of bad weather. If we are, would you hold the ship until we get there?" -- A man on the phone with a ferry service.
# "It depends. Are you coming from the north or south?" -- A man, when asked if one should turn east or west after getting off the freeway.
# "Horizon proudly donates a portion of the proceeds from our complimentary in-flight service to the preservation of Glacier National Park." -- A flight attendant, describing Horizon Airline's complimentary beverage and snack service.
# "Are you going by bus?" -- Asked by a bus driver, when asked to let a passenger know when they got to Masson Street.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Resumes
Watch how you write your resume . . . actual resume oops . . .
# "I am very detail-oreinted."
# "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
# "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
# "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
# "Served as assistant sore manager."
# "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
# "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
# "Special skills: Thyping."
# "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
# "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
# "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
# "I am very detail-oreinted."
# "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
# "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
# "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
# "Served as assistant sore manager."
# "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
# "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
# "Special skills: Thyping."
# "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
# "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
# "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Newspaper Blunders
# "Slain Doctor Worried About His Death" -- In a local paper in Canada.
# "Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into Avalanche" -- A front page headline in the National Post.
# "Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.
# "Ministry Probes Dead Fish" -- In a local paper in Canada.
# "Nixon Beneath the Surface" -- The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.
# "Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.
# "Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
# "School Praised After Vandalism" -- West Briton, November 9, 2000
# "Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" -- Independent, November 19, 2000
# "Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products." -- The headline of an article in Plastics news about Pepsico increasing the amount of recycled plastic in their bottles.
# "Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into Avalanche" -- A front page headline in the National Post.
# "Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.
# "Ministry Probes Dead Fish" -- In a local paper in Canada.
# "Nixon Beneath the Surface" -- The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.
# "Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.
# "Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
# "School Praised After Vandalism" -- West Briton, November 9, 2000
# "Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" -- Independent, November 19, 2000
# "Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products." -- The headline of an article in Plastics news about Pepsico increasing the amount of recycled plastic in their bottles.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Bad Predictions
I couldn't pass this up; these are quotes from speakers of the past in regards to science and technology. Some are quite amazing - enjoy!
* "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
* "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
* "But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
* "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.
* "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
* "The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." -- Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876.
* "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
* "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." -- Lee DeForest, inventor.
* "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
* "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."
* "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
* "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
* "Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.
* "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
* "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
* "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968.
* "Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality." -- Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.
* "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Workers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
* "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
* "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932.
* "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.
* "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
* "There will never be a bigger plane built." -- A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.
* "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899, but known to be an urban legend.
* "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
* "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
* "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
* "But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
* "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.
* "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
* "The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." -- Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876.
* "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
* "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." -- Lee DeForest, inventor.
* "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
* "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."
* "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
* "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
* "Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.
* "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
* "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
* "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968.
* "Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality." -- Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.
* "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Workers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
* "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
* "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932.
* "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.
* "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
* "There will never be a bigger plane built." -- A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.
* "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899, but known to be an urban legend.
* "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Church Bloopers
More actual church bulletin bloopers . . .
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
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